The lost art of washing your butthole
Your guide to hygiene and maintaining some dignity.
I have a bidet. One of the old-school freestanding ones. Not one of the fancy blast you in the arse with a sneaky jet of water from under the seat ones while singing you a little song. Like this:
When a friend of mine saw it, they said “Eew. Do you actually use that?”
No I plant fucking flowers in it. Of course I use it.
And that’s the thing right there: we have a real weird aversion to bidets and washing our arse outside of the shower or bath.
Note: I’m not going to get into the whole weird thing of blokes who refuse to wash their buttholes in the shower ”because it’s gay”. I just, I can’t. I cannot – right now – get into the levels of moron required to reach such a conclusion.
But look, you gotta get over it. You gotta wash your butthole.
When you get mud on your arm, do you reach for a dry paper towel or do you wash it off with water?
Yeah, exactly, water.
Got blood on your face? Water.
Got sick on your hands? Water.
Got jizz on your leg? Water.
Got shit – actual human faeces – around your butthole that you’re going to then cover up with underwear and clothing all day so it stays nice and warm and moist? “Ooh, dry paper towel please, thank you very much – I’ll give it a good rub.”
FUCK NO!
Not only are you leaving poop on your arse, you’re using a crap tonne of toilet paper. The UK alone needs 5,747,682 trees every year to keep people stocked up for their gross dry-wipe habit. That’s nearly 16,000 trees chopped down, every bloody day!
You monster.
But you know what, I get it. The alternative is wiping your arse with water and your hand. Your HAND ffs. Because thankfully, we don’t ever wash any other type of dirt or mess off our bodies or our hair with our hands…
Oh wait, OF COURSE WE DO. GAH!
Look, if you’ve had kids you have zero fucking excuse to be squeamish here: you’ve wiped all conceivable shades of poop – from gold to black – off of way too many bodily surfaces to give even the tiniest of shit here. You guys need to be leading the charge.
For everyone else, get over it. Do something good for the planet and do something good for your own dignity and self respect and remove all the little bits of poo from your bum.
The how to wash your butthole bit
Let’s get into it because everyone has questions about the logistics of using a bidet but no one wants to ask.
Have a poo. Easy. You got this. Sit down and relax – don’t strain, you’re not 7.
Take 2 sheets of toilet paper give it a wipe to get rid of any collateral damage down there. Fold and wipe again. Now, sling that shit rag in the toilet.
Waddle over to the bidet and take a seat. Lean forward slightly and make sure the spout (is that the right word?) isn’t too far from you (duuuh).
Turn the taps on. Make it warm if you’re chilly, leave it cold if you’re saving energy and feeling a little toasty. It’s very lovely and refreshing, I promise.
Make sure you feel the jet of water gently caressing the top of your buttcrack and not splashing all over the place.
Have a soap dispenser right next to you.
With your main hand, pump one squirt of soap into your hand, and with your other hand hold your junk up and out of the way. If you ain’t got any junk to hold, you’re already ahead of the curve here. Grats.
Rub your butthole with your soapy hand – just the fingers is fine, don’t get your palm all up in there – which should also be partly in the jet of water.
Little circles, side-to-side, whatever your fancy, just give it a good old rub for a while. And look, I’m not gonna lie, having a soapy butthole massage isn’t the most unpleasant of things :D
Give your hand a shake and go in for a second clean if you feel you need to.
Otherwise, grab the bidet towel and gently wipe your arse – just like you do when you get out of the shower (the number of people who have said to me “But your arse is soaking wet now!” like they’ve never had a shower in the middle of the day and had to get dressed again. Cretins).
And now, your butthole is marvellously clean.
Wash your hands.
It takes about a minute. You don’t spend ages sitting on the loo wiping a loaded printer’s drawer worth of paper across your arse trying to get it squeaky – but still not completely – clean. You don’t need to chop down loads of trees. You actually clean your butthole and remove the smell and mess and bacteria. And when you face one of those turbo poos that seem to renew itself by some sort of dark butt magic as you’re wiping, you don’t need to fret or worry about anus chaffing ever again: just two sheets, two wipes, and a lovely massaging wash. Easy.
Clean as a whistle.
Master the art of washing your butthole.
Everyone wins.
Masood knows:
MASSIVE TANGENT
I’ve decided to start designing some tees (and other clothing soon, too) for us older folk who still surf and skate. It’s called Old + Board. You can check it out. Or not. Whatever.
Yes! Of all my aspirations and dreams, an arse bath is now top of my list above retiring before I’m 80 and paragliding.
Who’da thought it.
PS VERY cool about the new brand 🏄🏻♀️